The next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World

“You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind?

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind. We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 20 states and growing. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.

For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved…A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged friends…

Thank you for your interest in Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. We hope we can help provide you with peace of mind.”

End quote. This was simply too good to just link to.

I have so many questions! Like, how do you screen an atheist? Why would an atheist believe that the pet owner is going on a super special spirit samba if they’re, y’know, atheist? Why can’t Muffy and Bobo come with me to happy rapture land? Do you have to pay another $110 when the statute of limitations runs out? And, most importantly, is this not the most entertaining scam ever?

Plays piano/speaks Chinese/clerical

This could be an ongoing series on befuddling craigslist job openings. Like, can you tell what kind of job this is for?

“Plays piano/speaks Chinese/clerical                                                          
Must play piano at a medium to high level.
Must be fluent in Chinese and English.
You will need to work weekends. Saturday and Sunday.
This is a full time position for at least 40 hours per week, possibly more.”

Huh.

Writer (Seattle)

Reply to:job-ntrmg-1188824801@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-05-25, 8:44PM PDT


I will write your obituary. Call 206.363.1497

• Location: Seattle
• Compensation: $20 each

Saw this on craigslist today, in the job-search category. That’s where businesses post job opportunities, not where people post what services they offer, just to clarify. That’s about all the clarification I can possibly offer.

Pervy Elf Fanciers, Unite?

Hi, folks. Sit down, gather round. I have a story for you.

A few years back I was working in an area of Seattle that is a gigantic tourist hub. Anyone who walks off a cruise ship, drives in for the day or wanders around heads straight for this area, and most of them will find the place where I worked. I saw a lot of odd things, met a lot of unique folks. But one group beat them all.

A handful of nice, middle-aged ladies came into my workplace, all oohing and ahhing over our merch. I noted that they all wore matching green shirts, but with all the tour groups and cruise shippers, that wasn’t remarkable. Some of them approached the counter to ask questions, and when I had spoken with them a little while, I inquired what brought them to Seattle. They all excitedly pointed to the logos of their forest green shirts, which read: Ka-Bloom Con 2007.

I started thinking Ka-bloom like ka-boom? A bunch of middle aged women hanging out and talking demolition explosives? Neat, but unlikely.

“Ka-Bloom? Like, uh, an explosive gardening convention?” I asked.

“No, no, Bloom, like Orlando Bloom.”

“The actor? As in Legolas?”

“Yes, and Pirates of the Caribbean and—”

“Oh, okay. It’s a convention about Orlando Bloom?”

“Yes! We’re the Ka-Bloom group. We’re his biggest fans. We meet up every year, there are hundreds of us. We come from all over the country. Seattle’s the place this year!”

My colleague was, by now, listening in, and we both attempted to kill the disbelieving smiles breaking out all over our faces.

They went on to describe the events of the day: discussing Mr. Bloom’s newest work; retelling sightings and near-encounters; planning what to send him on his birthday; designing new shirts and logos; and deciding how to support his burgeoning career. They wanted to make sure I understood how talented and important Mr. Bloom was, how he was making a difference in the world, and how he inspired their lives in so many ways.

The cheerful ladies bought some wares and asked some questions, which were difficult for us to field, considering our…distraction. They bustled out the door, ready to return to the convention center for more Bloom action, and we were left with the usual tourists and work of the day. When I returned home that evening, I tried to find information on the con, but no dice. Recently reminded of this precious, precious encounter, I tried again.

Please. Please go to their site and share in my awe and disbelief. Share this precious moment with me, friends.

(Caveat: The title above is not an insult. Pervy Elf Fanciers is the category under which the admins of the site make their posts. Truth, I promise.)

(Addendum: They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard. Just sos you knows.)

Miniskirt Panda

Hello, friends. It’s time to take a break from music and Seattle news to talk about something very important.

(I should caveat this before I begin, by saying that I usually could care less about celebrity worshipping, the tabloid culture, or anything that walks itself down the red carpet.)

That said, we need to talk about Bai Ling.

Who is Bai Ling? This woman on the side, who is not wearing a costume, but just being her very special self. What is she wearing? I couldn’t begin to speculate, nor could I even guess where she could have scrounged it up.

She hasn’t been in any movie I could name. But, she is one of the most fantastically crazy “celebrities” out there and I think it important that you know a little about her.

Below are excerpts from a recent interview. Enjoy. No, really, please enjoy.

Did you ever leave the house in an outfit you absolutely knew would be mocked?
You know what? No. My agent told me I get a lot of criticism about how I dress. But I think, “Why not?” … Where’s your spirit? It’s 2009. You have to stand out. There’s individuality you have to celebrate. I have this one spirit — she’s like this adventurous, careless, breezy spirit. I hate shopping. I don’t go shopping. If I do, I run in and out. But she loves it.

This is a friend of yours?
No. A spirit. And when I go shopping, she feels open and sexy. She doesn’t care. She enjoys it. She rides a pink bicycle all over the place. Sometimes I think a skirt is too short and she says, “Noooo … It’s perfect!” Or I’ll want to stay home and not attend an event, and she’ll say, “I’m excited — lets go!” I’m very creative in my nature. It’s my body! I’m not harming anyone doing it. It’s just me.

What do you call your spirit?
Eight Little Spirits in Miniskirts.

You have eight separate spirits. And they’re all in miniskirts?
Yes! They’re sitting on your hair, on your shoulder, on your nails. I’m like their peacemaker, because they don’t like each other. I have a panda, a chicken, a dolphin … I have a monkey … All in miniskirts.

So the panda in the miniskirt told you to go on But Can They Sing?
They go crazy. They make me lose control. They try to catch Bai Ling. I wasn’t really aware they were going to be judging me on that show. I wasn’t conscious of it.

So when does your book Nipples: Secrets of My Dreams come out?
I finished it already. I’m editing it, to make it better.